I suck at cash games

Two separate nights at the Sandia casino, both ultimately disastrous. It doesn't help to know exactly what your leaks are if you're incapable of plugging them. Being card dead and always outdrawn doesn't help either.

I should stick to tournaments. Because at cash games my downturns aren't dips, they're bottomless pits. Now, apparently, I'm unlucky at both cards and love.

Perfect.

Cake & Mirrors

It was a long and confusing story. Something of a collage, made up perhaps of three or four narratives of separate events, now woven together into one dreamlike improvisation. There was a photographer, a contest of some sort, idiots in the army, and an unspecified but
very clever illusion involving cake and mirrors. The dinner guests laughed and were entertained, and he enjoyed their reaction.

I don't think he really knows who I am anymore. He hasn't said my name once.

Expired

Okay folks, please take this opportunity to learn from my mistake.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT attempt to get on an airplane flight with an expired driver's license. And if you do try it, for god's sake please don't forget to remove the large gel pack from your purse before going through security.

And allow three hours before your flight if you're going out of Dulles.

Out of the Silence

I finally heard from Mr. WPY, and his message pretty much confirmed my suspicions. He's backing off poker for awhile. There's little doubt in my mind as to why, although he was oblique about it.

I congratulated him on his wise choice, and I meant it.

The good news for me in all this is that I've conducted myself in an entirely friendly and appropriate manner. I have nothing to be embarrassed about or to reproach myself for. His communications are friendly too. I think there's every reason to hope for a continued camaraderie. Whether it will ever be an actual friendship will depend, I suspect, more than anything else on the state of his relationship with his girlfriend. If I had to guess, I would bet she's not my biggest fan.

I'm off to Albuquerque tomorrow (ugh), and it's likely I'll be heading up to NYC on Tuesday (yay), shortly after my return. The change of scenery and company should be salutary.

Winning Ways

Okay, apparently unlucky in love, lucky in cards. I suppose I can live with that, for now.

I won our deep-stack tournament yesterday to the tune of $450. I played solid poker throughout and got lucky once, in a big way, when I really needed to. I also won at another pub poker venue tonight. And the night before that, I finished 10th out of 946 entrants in the Ferguson online. I feel like another set of puzzle pieces have clicked into place to create a bigger picture, as my book-learning and strategy sessions start to become part of my actual play repertoire, rather than merely abstract chunks of knowledge. I'm using pub poker, which is free, as an opportunity to practice reads (primarily basic strength/weakness indicators), since higher level thinking is worse than useless in that environment. It's also a good place to practice the brave moves that make or break a tournament without putting a buy-in at jeopardy.

On the Mr. WPY front, one little additional note: I had sent him my customary "Thanks for the chat" text message, adding that I hoped that the long poker gab hadn't annoyed his girlfriend too much and that I'd been glad to meet her. (Hey, I'm nothing if not polite.) Contrary to every previous occasion... radio silence. Zippo. My immediate conclusion is that his girlfriend indeed did not appreciate the protracted yack. He was at the deep-stack game, and after busting out mumbled something about maybe cutting back for awhile. Hmm.

If he's putting his relationship ahead of his poker game, all I can say is: GOOD FOR HIM. That's what any sane human being would do.

The Wrong Read

Okay, so apparently I'm getting a lot of stuff wrong lately.

Here are two things I got right:

1. Mr. WPY likes to discuss poker with me


2. There is no whiff of romance between us.

Here is the big thing I got completely wrong:

1. There's no girlfriend.

How do I know this?

I met the girlfriend.
At his place.
Where she was going to be spending the night.

Case closed.

She is petite, shapely, pretty, young: just exactly what I might have expected. (Oh, and she has a son, who apparently doesn't always live with her.) They make a lovely couple.

Mr. WPY and I talked poker for nearly four hours. She listened in for awhile and then drifted off to read on her own and eventually fall asleep on the sofa.

Reality has a way of setting our fantasies into proper perspective, eventually. I guess I'm grateful to have this truth clarified for me in a timely way. I have always believed that the truth will set me free. So now I'm free to continue to cultivate the friendship on well-defined terms, and I can choose to do so or not.

One further detail. Mr. WPY has a small cross, with a label "faith" at its base, sitting atop his computer monitor. That'll make for an interesting conversation one day.

Pride Goeth Before A Fall

This is the first time I've consciously experienced win-tilt. I went into last night's NPG game feeling pretty pumped from the Champion's takedown.

And I played terribly. Up against the tightest, most conservative player in the group I called a big raise with AQ suited. When the flop came 997 two clubs, he checked. I immediately put him on AK. I knew I should jam all-in to push him off the hand. But I didn't. I checked behind.

The next card was an Ace and I knew I was doomed. He bet big. I called, for reasons that I can't possibly explain. Was I hoping to catch the miracle Queen? Stupid stupid stupid.

The river was a blank. Another big bet. I knew I was beat. I mean, I totally and completely knew it. And yet, I called. BEYOND stupid.

That hand crippled me, and despite great play after that, I died when my all-in with AK suited on the button ran into AA in the small blind. To apply the appropriate condiment to my wound: I went out the fish. Blech.

Serves me right, for heaven's sake.

I Rule

Finally.
Finally finally finally.

FINALLY.

I took down the 80-person tournament at Champion's. Although we chopped the prize money between first and second, we then played it out for the points and I was victorious. And that's really all I care about.

Who knows if I'll ever bother to play there again. But in the meantime...

BOO-YAH, BABY!!!!

Family Obligations

A week from Thursday I'll be getting on an airplane to Albuquerque. I'll be there for just about three days. Needless to say, it's no vacation. There are a bunch of convergent circumstances.

My two aunts will be there. Cousins will be there. My niece will be there from London. Of course my sister and her husband will be there in a semi-hosting capacity.

And, obviously, my Dad will be there. My senile, increasingly feeble and fragile father who, my sister informed me the day before yesterday, has been approved for hospice care at the assisted living facility where he resides.

"What?!?" I sputtered. This was the first I'd heard of such a notion.

I know what hospice means. I was the person who arranged it for my mother as she was dying of pancreatic cancer. I know it means the recipient is not expected to survive more than six months.

My sister tried to persuade me (and herself?) that it's just that they're generous with hospice care in New Mexico. That it didn't mean what I thought it meant.

Of course it does. He doesn't have any single diagnosed terminal illness, but for a doctor to recommend it he must be clearly and systemically failing. That's what the term "co-morbidity" ~ which my sister tossed off as if it were benign ~ really means.

So I'm going to NM in a timely fashion. Mixed feelings doesn't begin to cover it. Once again I'll get to be the sole lucky member of my family who isn't in blissful denial. Oh goodie.

Life is a mystery

Well, duh. Of course it is.

So: another night of intensive poker chat. Not quite the marathon of the first, but once again running into the small hours of the morning. We are learning together, and it's really fun.

I brought Mr. WPY some homemade applesauce as a belated birthday present. (My fridge has a half-bushel of apples in it, which I picked last Monday at an orchard in Markham, VA. There's quite a variety and their freshly-picked cachet isn't going to last very long. It's going to take some doing to get through them all.) In a typical poker-player move, I bet-sized the gift in part as an information-gathering device. I packaged the applesauce into two nice single-serving-size containers, and told him that I'd done it so that he could easily share if he wanted to. He smooth-called by averring that he would certainly be eating it all himself. Interpersonal poker ~ don't try this at home, kids!

And yet: once again, not a whiff of romance. I'm not floating any vibes whatsoever, and neither is he. We are meeting, we are talking about poker, we are having a good time. Neither of us is treating it as a date-like occasion. I even opted to dress more down than usual this time. Interestingly, I find that I am growing more accustomed to his attractiveness and it's not nearly the distraction that it was before. In a classic development, I'm seeing the person and the personality more than the appearance. How evolved of me... :P

After we parted company (cue awkward hug again), I drove past him just before turning up the hill. I was struck that his gait seemed somehow unhappy and plodding. I waved as I turned, and I think I saw him notice me and wave back as I headed off, but I'm not sure. My intuitive take-away from that glimpse was that something is weighing on him.

I wonder what it is.

I may have a new favorite translation

The Word according to LOLCats...

1. Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat waz invisible, & he maded the skiez & da earths, but he did not eated it.


2. The earths wus witout shapez & wus dark & scary & stufs, & he rode invisible bike over teh waterz.


3. & Ceiling Cat sayz, i can has light? & light wuz.


4. & Ceiling Cat sawed teh light, to sees stufs, & speraratered the light form dark & stufs but taht wuz ok cuz cats can seez in teh dark & not tripz ovr nethin.


5. & Ceiling Cat sayed light Day & dark no Day. Teh evning & morning was teh first day.


6. & Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh ceilingz of waterz, with waterz up & waterz down. & he maded hole in teh Ceiling.


7. & Ceiling Cat doed the skiez with waterz down & waterz up, & stuff.


8. & Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny bibel naim 4 ceiling, so evning & morning was teh twoth day.


9. & Ceiling Cat gotted all no waterz into ur base, so no waterz wus not wetted & Ceiling Cat hadz teh dry placez cuz cats dusnt lieks to get wet,


10. & Ceiling Cat called no waterz urths and waters oshunz, so tehre.


11. & Ceiling Cat sayed, wants grass & stuff! so tehr wuz seedz & stufs, & fruitzors & vegbatels.


12. & Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish teh good stuff, so, letz tehre be weed. (and catnipz 2, so wen i makes kittehs they can getz hai.)


13. & so teh evning & the morning of the threeth day.


14. & Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has lightz in the firmmint for dividing day from no day.


15. So tehre, lights everwaer, like chrissmass, wai.


16. & Ceiling Cat doeth two greate lightz, teh most big for day, teh other for no day.


17. & Ceiling Cat screweth tehm on firmmint, with big nails & stuff.


18. & Ceiling Cat sawed it wus the goodz, so wai.


19. & so teh evning & the morning of the furth day.


20. & Ceiling Cat sayed, letz teh waterz brings forht the loots & stuff, & phishes, & burdies, that flyeths over the no waterz & swimmeths in the waterz.


21. & Ceiling Cat created big fishies & see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they not mooed, & other stuffs that gives the mooves, & Ceiling Cat wuz plezed.


22. & Ceiling Cat sented them hais, & stuff, so letz u be happy & stuff. And0 sed all u aminals & burdiez & fishz go has baby aminals & brrdz & fishz & dont worry i wont watch u has sexxes.


23. & so teh evning n the morning of the fifth day


24. & Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has mor living stuff, mooes, & creepz, & otehr animuls, so tehre.


25. & Ceiling Cat doed moar living stuff, mooes, & creepies, & otehr animuls, & did not eated tehm.


26. & Ceiling Cat sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish teh cute, & let min has dominion & stufs becuz tehy has can openers.


27. So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeps ish like him, can has can openers he did tehm, min & womin wuz created, but he did not eated tehm.


28. & Ceiling Cat sented them hais, so teh ballz & teh multiplyers, & haz teh dominion on teh waterz, no waterz & teh firmmint, & evry thingz & stuff.


29. & Ceiling Cat sayed, Yo, Beholdt, the earths, I has it, & I has not eated it.


30. For evry createded stufs tehre are the foodz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, & teh mooes, so tehre.


31. & Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthx bai.

Via The Universal Church of Cosmic Uncertainty.

I'm so gone

Okay, there comes a point when you just have to go with it. You just have to let go of trying to manage your feelings, corrall your expectations, and curb your sensibilities. There's a time for just letting go.

Tonight, on my way home from a game, with unseasonably warm air streaming around me as I drove down 395 at 1 am, I admitted the factual reality of my condition to myself. Tears of relief came to my eyes as I let myself actually feel my feelings.

What the hell. Who exactly am I trying to protect, anyway? It's too late.

Mr. WPY has been delightfully responsive. He's shaping up to be an actual friend as well as a poker buddy. We've continued to communicate via email, phone, and text message. We are getting together again tomorrow night for another strategy confab.

It was his birthday today, which I didn't learn until this evening. I hope he celebrated with someone. If it's the girlfriend, well hey, that's okay too. I'll make my peace with that, if I have to.

Me? Smitten. That's the long and short of it. I might as well get used to it, because it's not going away any time real soon. The hug I gave him for his birthday was a real hug, and there wasn't a damn thing awkward about it as far as I'm concerned.

Will my heart be broken? Maybe. But so what... it's been broken before, it'll probably be broken again. What else is new? It's good to feel again, it's nice to care, it's fun to be excited about someone, it's great to look forward to social interactions with enthusiasm rather than anxiety.

What can I say? There's something about him. It's not just the poker smarts, it's not just the appallingly good looks: there's also the charm, the modesty, the "cool beans," and tonight as we settled on the logistics, the "same bat time, same bat place." He's a great combination of sober maturity (more than me, quite honestly) and playfulness. His existence on this earth tickles me; thinking about him makes me smile.

Why not, finally, enjoy it?

I am drunk

...and also pissed off.

I got slow-rolled in a game tonight. First time it's ever happened to me. I'm quite impressed by how incredibly angry it made me.

Food for thought.

In the Cold Light of Day

Okay, a little time has passed and I can cast a more sober eye on my meet-up Wednesday night.

There's no doubt I had a terrific time. The conversation was great: fluid, easy, smart. I do believe he enjoyed it as much as I did, for exactly what it was ~ a chance to talk poker at a level and depth that are hard to come by.

But, to be brutally honest, if he weren't excruciatingly attractive (in addition to being a good poker player and a nice guy), I don't know whether it would have been as much fun. Or if I would have been as motivated to sustain the conversation as long as we did.

I got to look into the eyes of a very handsome and (OMG) extremely fit young man for more than six hours, and to talk and scheme and laugh about poker. It was also wonderful to find just exactly how articulate and forthcoming he could be away from the poker table, which is to say very.

Frankly, it was heaven. And as with all things that I really like to do, I want to do a whole lot more of it as soon as possible. (Again! More! Now!) But as it seems highly improbable that the extra goodies that I got out of it apply equally to him, I'll be very surprised if he's as eager to repeat the experience as I am.

Six Hours

...More than six hours of non-stop, in-depth poker talk. That's what I had tonight.

No romance, not even a whiff of it. Okay, fair enough, I'm clear on that now. Moving on.

But wow, six hours of fantastic, wide-ranging, interesting, funny, mind-stretching, strategy-provoking poker talk! How fun is that?! How great is it for me to have someone to talk to, in person, face-to-face, who really gets it, who is equally enthused, and who's smart and creative about the game?!

The time flew by. I know he enjoyed it as much as I did.

I know we'll do it again. I can't wait.

They're Everywhere

I must be on some kind of insane hormonal surge.

For the last 48 hours, everywhere I look, there's some unbelievably beautiful young man smiling at me. Tonight's sampling was especially delicious (and yes, it did prove distracting to my game). This particular specimen was born the year I graduated from college. I ought to be dead from shame, really I should, but instead I just enjoyed the heck out of it.

So, tomorrow night should be interesting... *gulp*.

The Suspenders Are Killing Me

...an old childhood joke.

But still. Days of back and forth. We make one arrangment, and our poker group changes the game schedule on us. So we go to Plan B. And then they change the schedule back. So we revert to Plan A.

The good news is that I've seen nothing but unalloyed enthusiasm for the project from Mr. WPY. He really wants to do this. And he used the expression "Cool beans!" which for some reason absolutely slays me.

I can only hope that my toe-tapping impatience to get to Wednesday evening doesn't ruin my game on Tuesday night. I am trying, really I am, to remain on something resembling an even keel. Stony-eyed realism and all.

But the little girl inside me is jumping up and down and going: "Squeeeeeeee!!!!"